Just a chance

Now, I sit here writing this, not only crying because I am heartbroken, but embarrassed that I didn't quite understand the problem before this. Realistically, I always thought that the whole "women don't get treated the same way" was bull. I mean, obviously I understand that I was wrong but I finally understood why I couldn't see it then. Guys absolutely treated me differently, but while they doubted me, I always got a chance to change their mind and then they proceeded to treat me like I knew what I was talking about. I was convinced that this was always the way it happened for all women, that you always got a chance to prove yourself. 

I've recently gotten the amazing chance to pursue my dreams. I decided to go to Radio school and chase the idea of having a voice in the sports community. Now, I always understood that it was a pretty tall task. It's a hard industry to get into and there ratio of men to women is not even close. However, I always  believed in my skills, in my potential, in my work ethic and I knew that if I went to school I could be successful in the industry. 

During the summer, just before classes started, I got engaged to my fantastic boyfriend and I honestly thought that my life couldn't possibly get any better. I wasn't expecting what was coming for me. When I started school I was in the perfect place in my life and everything changed. First of all, the moment people found out that I was engaged, everyone changed. Guys stopped talking to me as much, they weren't interested in my opinions or anything about me. It was odd, I really have been used to attention always, but hey it is what it is. Then things got worse. I was shut down of different projects because "women can't possibly love and know as much about sports as guys" or "advanced statistics aren't that important, I know hockey." After that conversation, I never got a chance. I never got to be part of the learning opportunity they all get to be a part of. I didn't get a chance to share what I know and love, because I have a vagina. Not just a vagina, but one that they can't have. 

Is it discouraging? Absolutely. Am I going to let it crush my dreams? Absolutely not. There isn't place for guys to be that way anymore. It makes me extremely sad to know that women have to deal with this, that we have to go through this. I am not sitting here and asking you to give me a chance because I am a woman or because you might think I'm hot. I'm sitting here asking you to give me a chance, because I am just like you. Because I can love sports just as much as you, because I can know just as much about sports as you. I just want to have the same opportunities and to be treated fairly and with respect. 

My Own Struggle With Depression

Now, let's get serious: You might be thinking "why is she writing this?" The truth is I am writing this because I feel it's time to let go of the stupid stigma that has prevented me from sharing the different struggles that have held me back in my life. It's really easy to avoid thinking "I am depressed." It's very easy to simply confuse it with a bad slump. You can blame it on your shitty relationship that failed, a bad stretch at work, or maybe if you're like me you can blame it on your favourite team's recent struggles. There's a million excuses. The only reason I felt the need to make those excuses was because I felt like I needed to be ashamed of asking for help. 

A lot of the reasons why I felt shame to ask for help has to do with the way I look. Now it's easy for a lot of people to empathize with women who have struggles with weight or feel uncomfortable with the way they look, but who has empathy for someone who is confident in the way they look? I felt the need to hide my own different insecurities because I felt like people were going to judge me, that my problems simply weren't as important. With time I've learned that it's wrong to think that; my problems have just as much importance as other people's problems and I should also get to share them and not feel shame for it. Perhaps my struggles aren't with my physical appearance and I want to share how I feel and maybe encourage others to also share their struggles and get help.

I have let the expectations of many people dictate my life, mostly my parents, and the thought of disappointing them was something I carried all my life. It kept escalating to the point that I started carrying the weight of their expectations, their marriage, their finances, everything. I was stuck in a 32 year marriage and my own life expectations. These things prevented me from being happy, from forming relationships, from opening up to other people. I lost interest in love, in new experiences, in adventures. I let it drag me down. I let that keep me locked in my house. I let it ruin relationships and hurt other people. 

I've never talked about any of my insecurities and it hurt for a long time. I always felt like I was never going to be good enough for another person, like I had nothing left to give. I felt extremely alone and I always blamed myself. I always thought I simply wasn't good enough. Perhaps the worst part about it was the idea that I had settled for that. It was never about appearance and that's what made it so hard to share. People don't often take so well to women with physical confidence having emotional insecurities, so I hid it and decided it wasn't important. I had become okay with the idea that I was going to be alone, sad and with the feeling that I wasn't good enough. 

I am lucky that I had someone very special come into my life and with their tenderness and patience made me feel comfortable enough to open up and realize that I needed to accept I was suffering a small depression and needed to change things in my life. I feel silly now for not acknowledging that I needed help before and that by doing that I could have been happier and at peace with myself before. I am not done recovering and moving past many of the things that have hurt me, but I am making so many positive steps that have improved my life. It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all go through different things that hold us back from being the best version of ourselves. What I want to accomplish with this is not only letting go of a past that used to hold me back but to hopefully inspire other people to open up, get help, share their problems and move past them. There is no reason to be ashamed, whatever it is that is holding you down, you can get help and you can move past it. 

how hockey can save a life

“Six months give or take”. For many days those were the only words that were in my head. My thoughts empty, my heart broken, my life walking away from me. Nobody is prepared for those words, nobody is ready to leave, nobody is ready to give up all their dreams, nobody is ready to say goodbye. There I was, in my living room, cell phone in hand, trying to figure out how to tell my family and my boyfriend that I didn’t get to spend another Christmas with them. I think that was the hardest struggle, Cancer is never about you, cancer is about the people that watch live that cancer. Cancer is a family disease, it involves everyone who has ever cared for you. I felt like I’d let my family down, like the pain they were about to feel was all my fault. It was a guilt that to this day lives in my heart.

The only thing that made me forget the nightmare I was living was hockey. Hockey has always been everything. Many times I questioned whether hockey was something I needed to back off from. I didn’t know if missing trips, friends, parties, family events, dates, was all worth it. During those days of agony and heartbreak, I knew it was all worth it, but even I didn’t think that hockey would end up saving my life.

I joined twitter in 2009 because I was looking to connect with more people who loved the Detroit Red Wings the way I did. I am from Calgary and missed that connection with other wings fans like myself, and twitter provided me that. I got to meet some fantastic people who weren’t only fellow fans but with the time because real friends who I cared for. Being able to share loses and wins with them, meeting them and watching the wings at the Joe together, made me not only a better fan but made me feel more like we were all a red wings family. I had a new family.

Sitting there in my living room feeling completely defeated I did something out of an impulse. I needed a bone marrow transplant. The wait list is a long one, not only that but a young female isn’t on the top of that priority list. Nobody in my family was a match and treatments in the USA were very expensive and didn’t offer enough of a match probability. I was basically resigned to wait out those months and watch my family suffer until it was my time. As my last shot, I decided to write something and post it on twitter. I never thought much of it, it was more out of desperation than anything. Social media did what we see so much of now and just spread the message like nothing I ever thought possible. 14 days. It took 14 days for me to get a phone call saying there was a match in the states who had requested that the transplant would be for me. Days after that transplant, I got to find out it was another wings fan who had seen my twitter post and decided to get tested.

It never doesn’t wanna make me cry. Everyday I think of that person and I see an angel. An angel that even though I can’t see or hug or thank, is a part of my every day life. You are in my heart and I don’t have a way to even express what you’ve done for my family and me. It’s been two years, two years that have made me grow so much. I’ve seen new places, met new people, watched my sisters get married, fell in love. That’s all thanks to you. I love you.

This story I write not for pity but for inspiration. You can never give up. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; don’t be afraid to fight for your life. Go Red Wings.

With A Little Help From My Friends

Howdy.

Okay, here's my attempt at my first blog post ever. Now, I've never blogged because everyone does it so why saturate the Internet with more. However, this is kind of a once in a lifetime (I hope) situation and I can't ignore it anymore.

I am from the beautiful city called Calgary, AB and as many of you know it was struck by some massive flooding that has damaged infrastructure and the worst part thousands of homes. None of this really felt real until I was able to go out and see some of the damage for myself. First thing is the incredible stench, the river has dragged all sorts of crap downstream and homes with no power were left with rotten food. But the real nauseating part is having to face the reality that most homes near the river are all complete loses, people have lost absolutely everything. Also, many people who live in-land and were affected by the floods will not be covered by insurance and need tons of help. So here I am trying to do something for the city that I Love so much and that has turned me into the woman I am today (I hope good).

So I'm not particularly good at much but I definitely will do whatever for any little donation you can give the red cross to help alberta flood victims. Willing to drink gross stuff, eat bugs, change my picture, wear silly stuff, cheer for a Toronto team. Anything but please help give me back to a city that needs all the help it can get.

Want to help? Hit me up at @Mariia19 tell me what I gotta do for your donation and here's where you can give the money http://www.redcross.ca/donate/donate-online/donate-to-the-alberta-floods 

Thank you so much.